Sweating My Prayers

The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost


Finally I returned to the Dipsea Trail today after a two week respite. I did not stop training, but did miss the stairs that still have me up at night wondering why I am committing to this self torture. Today I was again reminded of the euphoric feelings associated with pushing yourself beyond what you thought possible and surviving to bask in the glow.

It was good for me to get out. It has been raining for most of the week and, while I have been busy and social, I have not actually gotten out of the house much. I have been overly introspective and have been drowning in the intensity of my own thoughts.

As I started out this morning, the rain catching droplets in my hair, I felt freer that I had in days. Running gets me out of my head; I run till I can't think anymore. Being physical balances me as nothing else can. At no other time is my mind as clear as it is after being wiped clean by the sheer force of my exhalations echoing my inhalations. Sometimes I actually feel I am running from my thoughts, running as fast as I can, knowing the strength of my legs can outlast my moods and my mind delivering me from their mire.

Today I got a babysitter, headed for the hills, and ran like hell. My thoughts caught back up with me, but they are softer now, and feel much freer. Running to your very end is the perfect antidote to overthinking.

Dippy Thoughts

Oh, the wind is in the canyon, and the redwood sirens wail
In their massive lamentations as we swing along the trail,
While the purple shadows muster like ambassadors of the night
Where the glooming mountain lingers like a phantom on the right.

Oh, we pull across the ridges and salute the lone pine-tree
Where it watches like a sentinel above the western sea,
And Bolinas waits below us at the finish of the run
And we see the water glaring as it fuses with the sun.

Oh, we see the boasting breakers come a-sprawling on the sand,
Like some endless game of ten-pins played by Neptune's mighty hand,
And the sky is like a vision as the evening star ascends,
Like a phoenix from the sunset where the ash of evening blends.

Oh, there's nothing like the tonic of the rolling Dipsea Trail,
For we breathe its boundless spirit and the world's distortions pale
while we feel the red blood pulsing as it hits a swifter pace
Like a wild thing loosed to the circle in the rapture of the race.
-The Dipsea Trail, by Waldeman Young


I am not like this. I do not think this way. I am not competitive, I am meditative. I am a lover, not a fighter! And yet, deep within me something has stirred and demanded my attention. I want to run in a competitive race this year. I plan to run in a competitive race this year. I plan on not only living through this, but also enjoying it as a right of passage to a more confident me.

And I think I can do it.

It is all my neighbor's fault. Since She became my neighbor, we discovered our mutual interest in running. She runs regularly and competitively. I wasn't at the time, I was walking/hiking regularly and She inspired me to start running again.

Then She upped the ante and got me to do what I have long shyed away from--running with another person. I have always avoided running with others, always afraid of my ability, of conversation. It dates back to an ill thought out agreement to running with an old friend who ran, literally, circles around me. I have been gun shy ever since.

But I went out on a limb because I really like my neighbor and want to be friends. And I loved it. It was so much easier to run with someone. The time flew by, it was fun, and we got to get to know each other better, I repeat, it was FUN! I could hardly believe.

So when my neighbor invited me to beginning training with Her for the Dipsea run, a big deal run here in my neck of the woods, I surprised myself by going.

By starting.

I told myself I would just train with Her as a goal, perhaps run the route by myself at the end instead of joining the race.


But the bug has bit me and I am committing. I am unsure if I will get in, lots of people try and its hard to get in, but I will try and run the route in June either way. I want to challenge myself, push myself and see my body respond. I want my family and friends to be proud of me and my abilities. But most especially, I want to set a good example for my daughter. I want to show her what a strong woman is and what a strong woman can do. I want to be that for my daughter. So I'd better get strong!!!

Thank you for inspiring me, my dear over-the-fence friend!

Running Thoughts

If you want to find the answers to the Big Questions about your soul, you’d best begin with the Little Answers about your body.
-George Sheehan

Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian. "I need to make my bones."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I have started running again. It is so satisfying to get into the groove and run, run, run. There is something so relaxing about the rhythm of my breath against the dance of my feet. My thoughts slowly quieting as my breath takes over, the incessant mind-chatter bowing out gracefully. Finally sweating, I am free. It is a finite goal that hooks you; it is the one thing I know I can accomplish from start to finish!

It has taken me a long time to get here. I have been slowly working back up to running since giving birth. The first efforts were agonizing--EVERYTHING jiggled, even my face! My back went out in short order and that was it for running for a good long time. So I did what I could. I took long walks with Babou and my excitable dog. I took longer and longer walks and started adding hills. Now I take a long walk and run most days of the week. A year later!

It is a weird thing to say, I know, but I think all the weight I put on during my pregnancy was actually a blessing in disguise. Having so much weight to lose is teaching me consistency—how to consistently take care of myself. I have never exercised so regularly in my life and I have never been in better cardiovascular shape (even though I am still overweight). It is teaching me how to eat healthfully for the long run, to eat in a way I can maintain and set a good example for my daughter. I am trying to eat reasonably, which is an oddly and refreshingly simple concept, yet so abstract!

I work on these new habits every day and am trying to be gentle with myself. The other night I was mentally going through my day while waiting to fall asleep. In an objective moment of clarity, I realized I was picking out everything I had not done or accomplished, all the failings of the day. I was berating myself! I was making myself feel like a failure. In that moment I realized that that was not me and I would no longer allow myself to be treated that way. Since then I have not only made a conscious effort to befriend myself and notice all the positive things that I have accomplished, but also to blow off the rest as aberrations that will soon right themselves naturally. Every day is a new challenge and I try I think of it as another opportunity to practice.

This new practice is truly making a difference in my life. I find myself making healthier choices more easily. I have found that by allowing myself to make mistakes, that I don’t make as many of them. And that is making all the difference.

Selah.